Dear Little Brother,
You are going through a very tough time right now. (Probably an understatement.) As if Dad being all messed up and gross-looking and in the hospital wasn’t enough; as if mid-terms and other exams and everyday school stress wasn’t enough; as if there weren’t annoying and stressful people out there, and gross food, and cold weather, and normal everyday problems; as if those weren’t all enough, you also have to deal with true and shitty heartache.
I can’t say I’ve dealt with pain as deep as yours, because maybe I have never been lucky enough to feel love so true and known as yours, but lately I’ve felt glimpses of that pain with Texas Andy, who is so far and being more and more distant. And I’ve gotta say, I can’t think of a worse pain. To love someone and fear that they are happy with someone else is SHIT FUCKING AWFUL. No other words for it.
I want nothing more than to be able to make you suddenly all happy and better, but no matter how much I want that, I know it’s impossible. To think it possible would be an insult to you and your love. This isn’t superficial or silly. It sucks for real, and it can’t go away with a few pleasing words or some hugs. They can make it better, but the only thing that will REALLY make it better is time, and the realization that you are amazing and that you can move on. Those things sound stupid right now. You won’t realize how well you can move on until suddenly you realize you have.
Don’t make it worse by thinking cruel and lying thoughts. Don’t torture yourself. She doesn’t hate you. She is not happily in love with someone else – she is in a brand-new, superficial, easy and fun dating-someone period. You can allow yourself this, accept this, accept that you have done the same. No one she dates will ever be quite like you. She will never forget you and she will never stop caring. You shared something truly beautiful; don’t let those memories go sour. It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. ← True words.
I’m not saying that there is no hope with Elise or that there’s no hope of anything with her; I can’t say that; I don’t know the future; I don’t think it’s impossible. What I’m saying is, you need to NOT HOPE FOR THAT. For any chance, for any chance of your true happiness at all, you need to accept your true and deep loss and reach an acceptance as yourself as just Andrew Dengate, solo pilot, backed with a crew of solid, loyal, loving friends. You need to let her go and move on. This will take a long time. It’s a goal to move towards. Let her go. Let her go.
It’s not easy. In fact, it is very, very hard; doubtless even harder than hiking for seven miles through thick shrubbery. One thing that you can count on is me (and lots of other cool people) being around to help you out. I will always be there. We will have good and crazy times. We will travel and have adventures and drink and be merry and make crepes. Like I said, I know I can’t make it all better. BUT I AM DAMN WELL GOING TO TRY.
Please read these entries and take what you can from them, even if it is only a brief chuckle or cheer. I can’t wait until I’m there in a few days and can give you a big hug for real.
I LOVE YOU, YOU CRAZY BOY.
Your big sister,
Elizabeth
A Suggestion
Whenever I am feeling really down and crappy, this is something that always helps me out.
I concentrate on my TOTAL AND UTTER HOTNESS. (Don't laugh.) This'll be easier for you because you are actually pretty hot. (Don't gag; I can admit it.) I mean, you got the nice bod and the sweet six-pack and the great hair and everything.
So, when I feel miserable and lonely, I think to myself, "Well, at least I'm hot. Things'll be okay." Then I make my hair look good, put on some make-up, dress up, make myself smell awesome, and hit the town. (This is difficult in Callahan, but I improvise.) Then I enjoy people smiling at me, and flirting casually with the odd young cashier or old man at the coffee shop.
This helps, I swear.
So go on now. You are young, strong, classy, and good-lookin'. Put on some cologne and your best shirt and wow the ladies. There is no goal. This is just you being a Handsome Young Man. Feels pretty good, doesn't it?
I concentrate on my TOTAL AND UTTER HOTNESS. (Don't laugh.) This'll be easier for you because you are actually pretty hot. (Don't gag; I can admit it.) I mean, you got the nice bod and the sweet six-pack and the great hair and everything.
So, when I feel miserable and lonely, I think to myself, "Well, at least I'm hot. Things'll be okay." Then I make my hair look good, put on some make-up, dress up, make myself smell awesome, and hit the town. (This is difficult in Callahan, but I improvise.) Then I enjoy people smiling at me, and flirting casually with the odd young cashier or old man at the coffee shop.
This helps, I swear.
So go on now. You are young, strong, classy, and good-lookin'. Put on some cologne and your best shirt and wow the ladies. There is no goal. This is just you being a Handsome Young Man. Feels pretty good, doesn't it?
Your Very Solid Friends
I do not wish to treat friendships daintily, but with the roughest courage. When they are real, they are not glass threads or frost-work, but the solidest thing we know. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Schedule: Beginning of November; or, Things to Look Forward To
Saturday, October 31: Pick up Liz at airport at 10 pm. GET CRAZY HUGS; HEAR/TELL STORIES; RECEIVE STOLEN GOODS. Return to Little Ireland. PARTY IT UP. Drink, dance, laugh, revel.
Sunday, November 1: Get tattoos with Liz. If time in evening, watch 'Get Over It' while drinking beer and eating kettle corn. (If you have too much homework, postpone until later in week.)
Rest of the week:
- walks in the Arb
- bike rides
- working out together
- goofy movies
- drinking together
- me helping you study/with homework (if I'm even smart enough)
- me sleeping on the couch/in your bed (if that's not too weird)
Rest of the month:
- trip to a cider mill
- family Thanksgiving
- more Little Ireland parties
- everything from the above list
Sunday, November 1: Get tattoos with Liz. If time in evening, watch 'Get Over It' while drinking beer and eating kettle corn. (If you have too much homework, postpone until later in week.)
Rest of the week:
- walks in the Arb
- bike rides
- working out together
- goofy movies
- drinking together
- me helping you study/with homework (if I'm even smart enough)
- me sleeping on the couch/in your bed (if that's not too weird)
Rest of the month:
- trip to a cider mill
- family Thanksgiving
- more Little Ireland parties
- everything from the above list
Good Poems to Turn To
There is something to be said for an amazingly articulate person putting your worst heartbreak and sorrow and fear into a few lines and twining them all up with hope. Like most people in the world, they have been to those dark places of the world; unlike most people in the world, they can describe their time there beautifully. Read these poems. Listen to them. Think about them. Allow yourself to feel in good company, to take hope, to take comfort; mostly, to think, and not be alone. What will come will come, both in life, and in effects from the poem.
Enough of the sappy stuff. These are just fucking good poems. Trust me.
"Advice to a Discarded Lover", by Fleur Adcock
Think, now: if you have found a dead bird,
Not only dead, not only fallen,
But full of maggots: what do you feel -
More pity or more revulsion?
Pity is for the moment of death,
And the moments after. It changes
When decay comes, with the creeping stench
And the wriggling, munching scavengers.
Returning later, though, you will see
A shape of clean bone, a few feathers,
An inoffensive symbol of what
Once lived. Nothing to make you shudder.
It is clear, then. But perhaps you find
The analogy I have chosen
For our dead affair rather gruesome -
Too unpleasant a comparison.
It is not accidental. In you
I see maggots close to the surface.
You are eaten up by self-pity,
Crawling with unlovable pathos.
If I were to touch you I should feel
Against my fingers fat, moist worm-skin.
Do not ask me for charity now:
Go away until your bones are clean.
This sounds really gross and depressing, maybe, but it's not. Adcock's point is that in sorrow, after a heartbreak, the sorrowful person is gross with pain; but that, with time, the sorrow brings cleanliness and beauty. Your bones will be clean.
Enough of the sappy stuff. These are just fucking good poems. Trust me.
"Advice to a Discarded Lover", by Fleur Adcock
Think, now: if you have found a dead bird,
Not only dead, not only fallen,
But full of maggots: what do you feel -
More pity or more revulsion?
Pity is for the moment of death,
And the moments after. It changes
When decay comes, with the creeping stench
And the wriggling, munching scavengers.
Returning later, though, you will see
A shape of clean bone, a few feathers,
An inoffensive symbol of what
Once lived. Nothing to make you shudder.
It is clear, then. But perhaps you find
The analogy I have chosen
For our dead affair rather gruesome -
Too unpleasant a comparison.
It is not accidental. In you
I see maggots close to the surface.
You are eaten up by self-pity,
Crawling with unlovable pathos.
If I were to touch you I should feel
Against my fingers fat, moist worm-skin.
Do not ask me for charity now:
Go away until your bones are clean.
This sounds really gross and depressing, maybe, but it's not. Adcock's point is that in sorrow, after a heartbreak, the sorrowful person is gross with pain; but that, with time, the sorrow brings cleanliness and beauty. Your bones will be clean.
"Against Coupling," also by Fleur Adcock
I write in praise of the solitary act:
of not feeling a trespassing tongue
forced into one's mouth, one's breath
smothered, nipples crushed against the
rib-cage, and that metallic tingling
in the chin set off by a certain odd nerve:
unpleasure. Just to avoid those eyes would help-
such eyes as a young girl draws life from,
listening to the vegetal
rustle within her, as his gaze
stirs polypal fronds in the obscure
sea-bed of her body, and her own eyes blur
. There is much to be said for abandoning
this no longer novel exercise-
for now 'participating in
a total experience'-when
one feels like the lady in Leeds who
had seen The Sound Of Music eighty-six times;
or more, perhaps, like the school drama mistress
producing A Midsummer Night's Dream
for the seventh year running, with
yet another cast from 5B.
Pyramus and Thisbe are dead, but
the hole in the wall can still be troublesome.
I advise you, then, to embrace it without
encumberance. No need to set the scene,
dress up (or undress), make speeches.
Five minutes of solitude are
enough-in the bath, or to fill
that gap between the Sunday papers and lunch.
The joys of being alone!
"Love After Love" by Derek Walcott
The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet
yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will
smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You
will love again the stranger who was yourself
Give wine. Give
bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved
you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you
by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the
photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the
mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
"After Great Pain..." by Emily Dickinson
After great pain, a formal feeling comes --
The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Tombs --
The stiff Heart questions was it He, that bore,
And Yesterday, or Centuries before?
The Feet, mechanical, go round --
Of Ground, or Air, or Ought --
A Wooden way
Regardless grown,
A Quartz contentment, like a stone --
This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --
"I Am Completely Different" by Kuroda SaburoThe time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet
yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will
smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You
will love again the stranger who was yourself
Give wine. Give
bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved
you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you
by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the
photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the
mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
"After Great Pain..." by Emily Dickinson
After great pain, a formal feeling comes --
The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Tombs --
The stiff Heart questions was it He, that bore,
And Yesterday, or Centuries before?
The Feet, mechanical, go round --
Of Ground, or Air, or Ought --
A Wooden way
Regardless grown,
A Quartz contentment, like a stone --
This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --
Though I am wearing the same tie as yesterday,
am as poor as yesterday,
as good for nothing as yesterday,
today
I am completely different.
Though I am wearing the same clothes,
am as drunk as yesterday,
living as clumsily as yesterday, nevertheless
today
I am completely different.
I patiently close my eyes
on all the grins and smirks
on all the twisted smiles and horse laughs---
and glimpse then, inside me
one beautiful white butterfly
fluttering towards tomorrow.
Messages from Friends
I asked a large, random selection of people who know you for some of their favorite things about you and some good memories. I told them that I was making a collage of quotes for a care package I was sending you because I missed you very much. They were all delighted to talk.
The important thing is that, while some of these people are long-time, very good friends of yours, many of them are people whose lives you only briefly or peripherally touched - and you STILL made a hugely positive impact on them.
Also, many of these quotes are ridiculous. So chuckle away. You know a lot of witty people...or people who think they are witty...And there are a lot of fans of your abs out there, believe me. (How's that 8-pack coming along, by the way? I don't have a six pack yet. Sad.)
Zechariah Alcala: “Remember that time at cross country camp when we made you and chris johnson piss yourselves??” He also says “Nice ass” and “Fuck your abs.”
Nell Cunningham: “Andrew Dengate is one of my favorite people on this planet, from the cowboy outfit that he wouldn't take off to the tattoo that i will never take off. The highest compliment that I can give is that I would LOVE to travel with him!”
Gabe Pompilius: “Remember that one time in Freiburg when we ate döner outside in the cold and then drank beer in the underground train station? That was great!”
Rose Balzer: “I love Andrew’s spontaneous attitude. His never ending energy and ability to motivate people. He makes me happy with his creativity. He is caring but never overbearing. He is a genuinely good person... and that is rare to find now-a-days. He is always up for any physical activity or simply outdoor anything.”
Carsten Applegate: “Andrew will probably rule the world at some point. It's pretty much inevitable. Well, okay, maybe not, unless the ruler of the world is decided by a drawing contest or a climbing expedition, but he's still a cool cat when he doesn't dip too early.”
Andy Moldenhauer: “I like the fact that Andrew is always exercising, and keeping that hot bod in shape. I remember when he painted my shoes red, with blood, but i don't remember if i asked him to do it or not. I wish I could have seen him over the summer and we should hang out next summer, lots of sports. And it's okay that he used mint on the sandwich that he made me, it still tasted fine. I am willing to help him start his sandwich/coffee business, if he's ready.”
Maddie Green says, “We want you to come so much. so bad. so good. so long. so hard." She also wants me to tell you that she had some lovely Tuesdays in Superbed and she misses the crack.
Mel Bizer: “Andrew Dengate can always make me laugh and feel happy. I’m so glad he’s always up to do something fun or active outside. He always cheers me up. I think some of my favorite times with him were up north or at sailing camp, but they’re all good.”
Adam Rossi: “Andrew Dengate is as fresh as peppermint and as clean as baking soda. I really like his shoes.”
Adam Arocho: “Andrew Dengate is freaking awesome because he is such an amazing artist. So amazing that he drew my tattoo! And everyone thinks it is freaking awesome!”
Matt Provenza: “Andy, you cured my erectile dysfunction, thank you for saving my sex life. I’m no homo, but I’d be homo for you!”
Victor Glenn: “Andrew has skin that’s bronze like the medals I always get.”
Lauren Sibula: “If there is one thing i know about andrew dengate it is this: he manages to make me laugh without fail every single time i talk to him. his wit, intelligence, and dry delivery zings me everytime. And he´s really cute.”
Molly Willette-Green: “Andrew is super awesome, a very genuine person who is always on the go. Great explainer of genetics and makes any party a good one.”
Matt Varga: "I like that he is spontaneous and always wants to do something new. he is a very caring and giving person and is there for you when you need support which makes me happy. Good times...when we switched clothes for a day. Haha, our bromance."
AnnaMaria Paruk: " When he invited me to play ultimate with him then going up to state with jen and ty - SO FUN! He's always honest with me. He will poke fun of me in the good way - showing he cares. He's always smiling when he sees me - makes me feel good."
AnneMarie Varga: "I'll always remember tie dying shirts with him and claire, all of the jokes he says at semi-serious moments, and him commenting on claire putting on my make up for my dance recital. I love how he always has the right thing to say. He can make you laugh when your sad but he can be serious when you need someone to talk to. He's always fun to be around and he has an awesome and unique personality that no one else has. He's a very genuine and great guy."
Andrew Gomes: "The best thing about Andrew is that he is so genuine and original. You never know what he's going to do next but you can always be certain that it will brighten up your day."
The important thing is that, while some of these people are long-time, very good friends of yours, many of them are people whose lives you only briefly or peripherally touched - and you STILL made a hugely positive impact on them.
Also, many of these quotes are ridiculous. So chuckle away. You know a lot of witty people...or people who think they are witty...And there are a lot of fans of your abs out there, believe me. (How's that 8-pack coming along, by the way? I don't have a six pack yet. Sad.)
Zechariah Alcala: “Remember that time at cross country camp when we made you and chris johnson piss yourselves??” He also says “Nice ass” and “Fuck your abs.”
Nell Cunningham: “Andrew Dengate is one of my favorite people on this planet, from the cowboy outfit that he wouldn't take off to the tattoo that i will never take off. The highest compliment that I can give is that I would LOVE to travel with him!”
Gabe Pompilius: “Remember that one time in Freiburg when we ate döner outside in the cold and then drank beer in the underground train station? That was great!”
Rose Balzer: “I love Andrew’s spontaneous attitude. His never ending energy and ability to motivate people. He makes me happy with his creativity. He is caring but never overbearing. He is a genuinely good person... and that is rare to find now-a-days. He is always up for any physical activity or simply outdoor anything.”
Carsten Applegate: “Andrew will probably rule the world at some point. It's pretty much inevitable. Well, okay, maybe not, unless the ruler of the world is decided by a drawing contest or a climbing expedition, but he's still a cool cat when he doesn't dip too early.”
Andy Moldenhauer: “I like the fact that Andrew is always exercising, and keeping that hot bod in shape. I remember when he painted my shoes red, with blood, but i don't remember if i asked him to do it or not. I wish I could have seen him over the summer and we should hang out next summer, lots of sports. And it's okay that he used mint on the sandwich that he made me, it still tasted fine. I am willing to help him start his sandwich/coffee business, if he's ready.”
Maddie Green says, “We want you to come so much. so bad. so good. so long. so hard." She also wants me to tell you that she had some lovely Tuesdays in Superbed and she misses the crack.
Mel Bizer: “Andrew Dengate can always make me laugh and feel happy. I’m so glad he’s always up to do something fun or active outside. He always cheers me up. I think some of my favorite times with him were up north or at sailing camp, but they’re all good.”
Adam Rossi: “Andrew Dengate is as fresh as peppermint and as clean as baking soda. I really like his shoes.”
Adam Arocho: “Andrew Dengate is freaking awesome because he is such an amazing artist. So amazing that he drew my tattoo! And everyone thinks it is freaking awesome!”
Matt Provenza: “Andy, you cured my erectile dysfunction, thank you for saving my sex life. I’m no homo, but I’d be homo for you!”
Victor Glenn: “Andrew has skin that’s bronze like the medals I always get.”
Lauren Sibula: “If there is one thing i know about andrew dengate it is this: he manages to make me laugh without fail every single time i talk to him. his wit, intelligence, and dry delivery zings me everytime. And he´s really cute.”
Molly Willette-Green: “Andrew is super awesome, a very genuine person who is always on the go. Great explainer of genetics and makes any party a good one.”
Matt Varga: "I like that he is spontaneous and always wants to do something new. he is a very caring and giving person and is there for you when you need support which makes me happy. Good times...when we switched clothes for a day. Haha, our bromance."
AnnaMaria Paruk: " When he invited me to play ultimate with him then going up to state with jen and ty - SO FUN! He's always honest with me. He will poke fun of me in the good way - showing he cares. He's always smiling when he sees me - makes me feel good."
AnneMarie Varga: "I'll always remember tie dying shirts with him and claire, all of the jokes he says at semi-serious moments, and him commenting on claire putting on my make up for my dance recital. I love how he always has the right thing to say. He can make you laugh when your sad but he can be serious when you need someone to talk to. He's always fun to be around and he has an awesome and unique personality that no one else has. He's a very genuine and great guy."
Andrew Gomes: "The best thing about Andrew is that he is so genuine and original. You never know what he's going to do next but you can always be certain that it will brighten up your day."
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