Dear Little Brother,
You are going through a very tough time right now. (Probably an understatement.) As if Dad being all messed up and gross-looking and in the hospital wasn’t enough; as if mid-terms and other exams and everyday school stress wasn’t enough; as if there weren’t annoying and stressful people out there, and gross food, and cold weather, and normal everyday problems; as if those weren’t all enough, you also have to deal with true and shitty heartache.
I can’t say I’ve dealt with pain as deep as yours, because maybe I have never been lucky enough to feel love so true and known as yours, but lately I’ve felt glimpses of that pain with Texas Andy, who is so far and being more and more distant. And I’ve gotta say, I can’t think of a worse pain. To love someone and fear that they are happy with someone else is SHIT FUCKING AWFUL. No other words for it.
I want nothing more than to be able to make you suddenly all happy and better, but no matter how much I want that, I know it’s impossible. To think it possible would be an insult to you and your love. This isn’t superficial or silly. It sucks for real, and it can’t go away with a few pleasing words or some hugs. They can make it better, but the only thing that will REALLY make it better is time, and the realization that you are amazing and that you can move on. Those things sound stupid right now. You won’t realize how well you can move on until suddenly you realize you have.
Don’t make it worse by thinking cruel and lying thoughts. Don’t torture yourself. She doesn’t hate you. She is not happily in love with someone else – she is in a brand-new, superficial, easy and fun dating-someone period. You can allow yourself this, accept this, accept that you have done the same. No one she dates will ever be quite like you. She will never forget you and she will never stop caring. You shared something truly beautiful; don’t let those memories go sour. It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. ← True words.
I’m not saying that there is no hope with Elise or that there’s no hope of anything with her; I can’t say that; I don’t know the future; I don’t think it’s impossible. What I’m saying is, you need to NOT HOPE FOR THAT. For any chance, for any chance of your true happiness at all, you need to accept your true and deep loss and reach an acceptance as yourself as just Andrew Dengate, solo pilot, backed with a crew of solid, loyal, loving friends. You need to let her go and move on. This will take a long time. It’s a goal to move towards. Let her go. Let her go.
It’s not easy. In fact, it is very, very hard; doubtless even harder than hiking for seven miles through thick shrubbery. One thing that you can count on is me (and lots of other cool people) being around to help you out. I will always be there. We will have good and crazy times. We will travel and have adventures and drink and be merry and make crepes. Like I said, I know I can’t make it all better. BUT I AM DAMN WELL GOING TO TRY.
Please read these entries and take what you can from them, even if it is only a brief chuckle or cheer. I can’t wait until I’m there in a few days and can give you a big hug for real.
I LOVE YOU, YOU CRAZY BOY.
Your big sister,
Elizabeth
